A Heart That Only Circulates Blood But No Feelings

There is just too much pain in this world. From all the nonsense that I have been through in my life, I wish I could have become a better person instead of becoming senseless. Instead it feels like my heart is just dead inside. I don’t feel any feeling or remorse for having left my parents’ home, when normally a girl like me would. I don’t feel any pain hurting my beloved. Even though he has been the most kind person to me in this world, my heart has become dead inside me. It is only good for circulating blood around but no feelings whatsoever. I wish I was a better person, I wish I could feel feelings. Why am I so dead inside? Why don’t I get hurt like I used to by hurting those whom I love? From what I have been through, I should have become a softer person and not someone who whether intentionally or unintentionally makes someone cry. Sometimes I hate that I can’t even shed a single tear after hurting my beloved. Normally I would have wasted a thousand tears for making those who I love cry or made them sad. I often thought that maybe I am depressed. But then I am happy being around this person. So this couldn’t be depression either. I just wish I could find inner peace.

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