Complex Feelings

I feel like I don’t deeply feel anything any more. I just am (wherever I am) for the sake of being there. There seems to always be lacking something no matter where I am nor what I do. This unease is leaving me restless every day of my life. I wish I could explain this feeling/emotion to someone. I wish someone would understand and cure me permanently. I have belief in God, but at times I feel like I may have made too many mistakes in my life. I just want to be deeply happy. It isn’t the environment that is wrong, but there is certainly some thing that is wrong with ME. I feel like occupying myself with cooking, cleaning or reading. Then I go back to square one. These feelings or the feeling that is redundant is just too complicated to even put in words let alone try and explain it to someone. Many may say that it’s the “chase”, but my every aspect of life seems like the chase. I am unhappy with what I don’t have, but when I have it, I still am not happy.  Chase normally results in one or two aspects of life, not just one thing. And no, I try to be thankful to Allah SWT, but I just wish I could permanently get rid of this feeling. It affects me a lot unfortunately, otherwise I could learn to smile and live with it and do my everyday tasks. That is not to say that overall I am unhappy.  Superficial is the word that I could use on me, though I would never have wanted to feel superficially. There is just a lack of inner peace.

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